This article explores the concept of self-forgiveness following personal or professional missteps. Drawing on research from Flinders University, it explains how chronic shame disrupts mental health. The article offers practical steps to balance accountability with self-compassion
A month or so ago, I made what felt like a huge professional mistake. In the course of trying to move one of my project's forward, I reached out to a professional contact and asked for help. I did not think much about the request, only to realize when the message left my phone, that what I was asking would have been unethical on the person's part. When the person replied, the response was gracious. He explained the boundary and redirected me. But the damage to my own ego was already done. I remember being completely unable to sleep that night. The whole of the next day, I couldn't concentrate. My mind kept circling back to the WhatsApp message. The hot flush of embarrassment would hit me while I was driving, while I was trying to eat, and while I was in meetings. I felt so ashamed, even though I knew it was an honest mistake and no harm was done.
If you have ever been caught in this type of shame spiral; whether from a professional misstep, a parenting fail, or a social faux pas, you know exactly how exhausting it is. You might be washing the dishes or taking a shower when, seemingly out of nowhere, your brain decides to replay an embarrassing moment from five years ago. You get frustrated with yourself for dwelling on it, wondering why you can’t just let it go.
It turns out that letting it go is not just a matter of willpower. Self-forgiveness is a complex psychological process. According to a study published by researchers at Flinders University, forgiving yourself is an ongoing, nuanced journey, better understood as a mixed emotional experience not not a clear-cut event.
Lydia Woodyatt, the lead author of the study, explained that self-forgiveness is more than moving on or experiencing sudden amnesia.
"People who forgave themselves still thought of the events from time to time, and still sometimes felt shame or guilt," she noted. "The difference was, the emotions were much less intense and frequent, and the event no longer controlled their life."
So, why is it so hard to forgive ourselves, even for innocent mistakes? The Flinders University researchers identified two conflicting aspects that make self-forgiveness a psychological battlefield: the necessity of both taking responsibility and releasing the negative feelings about yourself.
In analyzing stories of perceived wrongdoings, the researchers found that people who struggled to self-forgive frequently felt that the event had just happened, even if it was decades ago. This is because the brain continually replays the event, keeping the emotional wound fresh.
Further, a major barrier to self-forgiveness is the inability to accept ourselves as inherently flawed human beings. When there is a discrepancy between what we did (or accidentally asked for) and the perfect, competent person we believe we should be, the brain resorts to self-punishment as a twisted way of holding ourselves accountable.Interestingly, the study also found that our emotions are actually trying to help us. Shame and guilt are not just torturous feelings; they are indicators of a moral injury. When we feel shame, our brain is trying to alert us of a threat to our psychological needs, such as our need for belonging or our desire to be seen as a competent, ethical professional.
However, when that inner critic becomes too loud, it stops being protective and starts becoming destructive. Clinical psychologist Ellen Hendriksen notes that while a healthy dose of self-doubt helps us monitor our behavior (preventing us from becoming narcissistic), chronic shame can lead to depression, anxiety, and an eroded self-esteem.
So, how do we break the cycle of rumination and give ourselves grace?
According to Fred Luskin, director of the Stanford University Forgiveness Projects, the first step is interrupting the physical response. When the hot flush of shame hits, your nervous system is reacting as if there is a present threat. Interrupt the rumination with three deep, slow belly breaths, focusing on your stomach instead of the embarrassing thought. This physically signals to your brain that you are safe.
The second step is acknowledging the difference between productive accountability and destructive self-flagellation. Luskin notes that taking accountability is simpler than we make it. If you made a mistake, feel the genuine, short-term remorse. Offer a sincere apology claiming responsibility for the action and expressing concern for how it affected the other person. Make amends if possible.
Once you have done that, the action is complete. The debt is paid. At that point, you should actively choose to let yourself off the hook. As Luskin advises, you can say to yourself, "I forgive myself, as I have done what I can to make it right."
In my case, I had to actively practice this. I apologized to my colleague for the uncomfortable position I inadvertently put him in, thanked him for his grace, and made a mental note to research internal protocols more thoroughly next time. I had to accept that I am a competent professional who is still capable of making naive mistakes and that those two truths can exist at the exact same time.
If you are carrying around the weight of an old embarrassment or a past mistake, know that your brain is just trying to protect your standing in the 'tribe'. Thank your brain for the alert, take the necessary accountability, and then grant yourself permission to finally put the burden down.