Does clinical psychology agree with the religious mandate to forgive? This article explores forgiveness not as a tool for reconciliation, but as an emotional regulation strategy. Discover the mechanisms of releasing resentment and unplugging the live wire of past pain.
There is a difference between holding a grudge and quietly rewriting a relationship contract. I have always found it paradoxical that while my memory of the past is poor, my struggle with unforgiveness is real. I won’t harbor resentment or wish ill upon someone who wronged me; instead, the relationship quietly shifts. We won't relate the way we used to. A proof I believe that forgiveness and boundaries are two very different processes and that our boundaries can change even when our memories of the slight fade.
Kenya is a very religious society, and the concept of forgiveness is interwoven with our beliefs, family life and even daily workplace interactions. For the majority of Christians, the Biblical command found in the book of Matthew, where Christians are instructed to forgive those who wrong them seventy times seven, is a familiar scripture albeit one that is difficult to keep.
In your own life, you may have come across instances where this scripture has been weaponized. It can be used to pressure individuals into prematurely absolving abusers, to endure toxic workplaces, or sweep betrayals under the rug. We are told to forgive and forget, but our nervous systems refuses to let the issue go. This begs a question: when we strip away the religious guilt and look at forgiveness from the brain processes, does clinical psychology agree with the mandate to forgive?
To answer this, we would need to start by redefining what forgiveness means in a therapeutic context.
In clinical psychology, forgiveness is not synonymous with reconciliation, nor does it require forgetting the offense. Our brains are evolutionarily hardwired to remember what harmed us so we can avoid it in the future. The is why you tend to remember your failures more than you do your successes. So in psychology, forgiveness is the deliberate, internal process of releasing the resentment and the desire for revenge against the person who caused the harm. It is an internal emotional regulation strategy and not an external relational standard.
You can forgive someone while simultaneously establishing boundaries to ensure they never have access to hurt you again.
Recent research provides empirical evidence on how this process alters our brain's relationship with traumatic memories. A comprehensive series of four studies published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology: General examined the cognitive and emotional aftermath of forgiveness. In the first two phases of the research, scientists asked 452 participants to recall real-life personal offenses that they had either chosen to forgive or chosen to hold onto. The participants then completed a detailed questionnaires regarding their recall of the event, allowing the research team to assign a vividness score to the memory. The findings were very revealing. Participants who had actively forgiven the person who wronged them reported experiencing significantly less negative affect when remembering the event.
The researchers then sought to understand how these dynamics play out in real-time cognitive evaluations. In the third study, 595 participants were randomly assigned the role of either a victim or a perpetrator and were asked to evaluate various incidents of wrongdoing. The results mirrored the previous real-life studies. For those who adopted a posture of forgiveness, the emotional nature of their recall became drastically more neutral and significantly less intense. The memory of the pain was still present, but the physical sting was gone. Finally, in the fourth study involving 432 participants, the data reported indicated that forgiveness was associated with a reduction in the desire for revenge and avoidance, while promoting feelings of internal goodwill and emotional peace.
What this body of research reveals is the clinical mechanism behind the seventy times seven principle. When you are wronged, the memory of that event acts as a live wire in your nervous system. Every time you recall it, your body experiences a spike in cortisol, your heart rate elevates, and your brain relives the trauma. Holding onto unforgiveness is in many ways keeping that live wire plugged in. However, the data proves that when we forgive, we unplug the wire. The event transitions from a painful trauma into a historical fact. We remember what happened, but the memory no longer possesses the power to hijack our emotional state or dictate our current well-being.
Therefore, when it comes to forgiveness, psychology and theology find themselves in agreement. The command to forgive repeatedly is not a directive to remain a passive victim of ongoing abuse. Rather, it is a radical, protective mandate for your own survival. It is the continuous practice of regulating your nervous system and refusing to let another person's terrible actions dictate your emotional reality.
At Iyashi Wellness Centre, we understand that this level of healing is rarely a solitary journey. Releasing deep-seated trauma requires professional support. If you are struggling to unplug the live wires of past betrayals, we are here to help you navigate the difficult path of healing. Let us walk with you as you reclaim your peace, not by forgetting your past, but by stripping it of its power to harm your future.
References:
Luchies, L. B., et al. (2024). Forgiven but not forgotten. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General. https://doi.org/10.1037/xge0001787